Scared

So, I’m scared to do this, for many reasons.

First, there’s the fear of rejection.  As a upper middle-class, American twentysomething, I have grown up in a world of everyone-gets-a-trophy kindergarten soccer teams.  We, as a generation, have worked hard, but also have been taught to be impressive, to get the right internships, to join the right groups, to have the right resume.  And so the thought of putting something out there that is not 100% polished terrifies me.  Add to that the idea that people on the internet aren’t always known for their kindness– it’s enough to put a person off of blogging entirely.

Also, while I obviously won’t put up my entire life on this page (if you want that, go watch some show on TLC), this project will require a certain amount of honesty.  Not just the honesty of telling the truth, but the honesty of accepting that I don’t have all the answers, that my views may change, and that I may not be the same person I was when I began this.

….So, guy who has still not told us his name, if this is so terrifying and awful, why are you starting?

I’m glad you asked, oh convenient apostrophe that I will probably use more often than my readers will like.  First, I have gotten to know an amazing group of bloggers who have inspired me, made me laugh, made me cry, and generally have torn themselves up inside to make me feel like there are people out there with similar thoughts, burdens, and interests.  (If any of you are reading, believe me, it has meant an amazing amount to me.  And I owe y’all a cup of coffee if we ever meet in person.)  And they have inspired me to be more open about my thoughts, on the chance I can pay that generosity forward.

More than that, though, I need an outlet to share the creative side of me.  And this, I suppose, is as good a transition as any into this blog’s purpose.  Since I was young, I have enjoyed writing and music.  And while I’ve been rather open about the music I’m into, I talk a lot less about my writing.

You see, I love poetry.  A lot.  And essay-writing.

At some point in my young life, I decided that boys weren’t supposed to be into poetry and essays.  So I carried on these practices in secret, like some incredibly nerdy addiction, for decades.  And it gets really tiring having parts of your life that give you so much joy, but you cannot share with the world (more on that later).  It really dampens the joy and makes you weirdly ashamed of the parts of your heart you treasure most.

Well, having tried to be the archetype young me was fed, I’ve given up.  These writings are me.  I express myself.  I feel things.  I get weirdly excited about prime numbers, religion, philosophy, and new bands.  And it’s time to share these things with the world, or at least the world that happens to stumble across this blog.

Now, I doubt everything on here will be profound.  I, like any nerdy guy who spends way too much time on the internet, have been known to make the “ZOMG look at this puppy with a balloon!” posts.  And I don’t want this to be another place for me to posture.  If I’m not ready to discuss or post something, I won’t.  Also, I am trying to be less type-A by allowing myself to make typos and not edit the soul out of everything I write.  For this reason, while some things will be polished and concise, others will be rambly and awkward.  Not every thought deserves the same amount of care and attention.  So, please be patient with me.  After all, while I hope you, the reader, gets something out of this blog, I am seeing this mainly as a space for me.

…That was a really long-winded way of saying you are starting a glorified LiveJournal.  And you never said what your name was.”

Oh, sorry, call me AJ.  More on that later too.

–AJ

Advertisements

One thought on “Scared

  1. Dude. Right there with you. This is all new to me as well, but glad to see you’ve jumped in. If perfectionism is a disease, I am thoroughly infected. As I’m starting to realize, blogging exposes that perfectionism like nothing else. And I love your honesty…”scared.” There’s a word we don’t like to apply to ourselves all that much. That’s honesty we need more of [ironic compliment from one anonymous blogger to another…what?] I look forward to your writing, man!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s